Life Fucking Sucks Because... (continued from Funk) ...stretch marks don't tan, thus creating a zebra-like appearance on my lower body. ...i have a handful of friends and they're not here in fucking KENNER, la. ...my boyfriend speaks before he thinks, and quite frankly, sometimes he shouldn't even think. ...my boyfriend is still married to an old cunt whose name is too similar to mine for comfort. ...i quit smoking but i want to start again. ...i haven't found a job in three point five months and i am a broke mother fucker. i am college educated, yet i can't even get a mall job. what the fuck? ...i got a fucking speeding ticket two days ago and can't seem to find anyone in Jefferson parish who can get it fixed for me. stupid assholes. ...embalming bodies is the nastiest fucking shit on earth, and that will be my future. p.s. - get cremated. ...::shudder:: i'll parrot Funk here - math exists and i have to take it soon. i'm stupid. ...my ass sometimes bleeds when i wipe it. what the fuck is up with that?? ...i'm on a diet and all i ate today was water and a can of sliced pineapples. if i'm still fat in a month, you're invited to my funeral.

spewed forth from Wicked at 12:50 PM # | | F.U.

Okay, finish this statement: Life fucking sucks because... ...I can't be the meat in an Angelina Jolie/Alyssa Milano sandwich. ...I feel as if I have to stop smoking - and I don't want to. ...they changed the packaging on Juicy Fruit gum. Wtf? ...WTF and OMFG are not yet included in the dictionary. ...eating Crayons will make you sick. (admit it - you've always wanted to eat one or two). ...I'm on crutches. ...they don't make Boo Berry cereal anymore. ...Wicked lives too far away. ...it just does. ...people populate the Earth. ...my nail just broke. ...math exists. ...you can't drink a vodka tonic on your lunch break. ...Ebay is so addictive.

spewed forth from Shanna Riley at 12:35 PM # | | F.U.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

That tract did not elicit from me a single smile, smirk, or laugh. I found it humorless and as dry as an overcooked Thanksgiving turkey. Reading through to the end was difficult - I felt as though I was trapped in an illiterate's illogical pseudo-literary labyrinth. Bishop and Cathy... I raise a satirical 'brow to this segment of the tract and utter a disgusted 'ugh'. This thing was vapid. Lame. Slumber-inducing. The only good thing, IMO, is that evil triumphed over good. I give Two Inverted Crosses Up for the ending. Yay, Evil! -l- -l- <~~ Inverted Crosses, for future reference.

spewed forth from Wicked at 10:35 AM # | | F.U.

Friday, September 12, 2003

(Please read the post just before this one so you'll know what the hell I'm talking about - thanks) Fresh Funk Review Though hard to follow at times, I found this comic fairly amusing. It had only some of the hilarity of the common Trick Tract, along with the usual smattering of last minute decisions and an imminent death. However, something fell flat about midway into the story telling. It wasn't able to keep my interest long enough to even laugh at it. The Assignment is about a man named Charles Bishop who is slated to die. Heaven and Hell are vying for his soul; literally. The entire booklet is a race to see who can win Charles over first before he takes his last breath. Regular humans are employed, unknowingly, in the task of helping the entities. Charles' assistant and his daughter's best friend, Cathy, are on the Heaven team, and a twist in the plot pulls the assistant onto the opposing team, along with his "evil" wife. Well, I'm assuming she's evil since we later see her conversing with a creepy-looking ghoul. Since the assistant is a pussy-whupped ninny, he listens to his wife and doesn't preach to his boss. I mean, come on, she's going to leave him after years of marriage because he wants to preach to another man? But the tracts aren't known for their logic. I'd have to say my favorite part of the comic was when the Hell team sends "Buz" to magically sweep Cathy off her feet. Ignoring the fact that "Buz" appears to be 20-something years older than her, I doubt seriously that she's into the Buz-type to begin with. The plan fails, as Buz shows himself for the "bully" he really is. I liked the touch on love here. Gives this comic a warm and fuzzy feeling. But not nearly as warm and fuzzy as the meeting between Charles Bishop and 16 year-old Cathy Hillman. Cathy comes over as Mr. Bishop's daughter is conveniently indisposed (thanks to the Heaven team). Mr. Bishop asks Cathy to sit on the couch with him and tell him about the Bible. Come on, now. How many grown men ask their daughter's friend to sit down and tell them about the Bible?! I went on a hunch, but Mr. Bishop's wicked molestation was confirmed by the panel with a shot of the house from outside and a speech bubble showing Mr. Bishop yelling "Don't stop Cathy!" The comic goes on to ascertain that Charles Bishop neglected to say the magic words "I accept J.C. as my Lord and Savior" before he died, and, therefore, went to hell. This reviewer believes that Mr. Bishop's denial into heaven might've had something more to do with diddling the neighbor's daughter. But that's just me. This comic wasn't interesting, and only produced a few giggles; not the all out guffaws we're used to when reading Trick Tracts. There wasn't even enough fodder to write a good review. I give The Assignment two Funk Dollz.

spewed forth from Shanna Riley at 12:54 PM # | | F.U.

It's been awhile. Apparently we've all been too busy to keep up with our awesome little blog here. I feel it is only appropriate then, to return with a surprise. Welcome, friends, to Trick Tract Fridays!! Wtf is a Trick Tract, you ask? Well, surely, you've been handed a freaky little christian booklet by some equally freaky christian at some point in your life? Chick Publications produces these little gems; known as "Chick Tracts". After receiving a plethora of them, I started a serious study of the booklets and their claims. Actually, it wasn't serious. I read one, went to the website to read more and laughed my ass off for a few hours. The thing is, these books are filled with lies, hate propaganda and misinformation. They use scare tactics and lies to get their point across. Wicked and I thought it our civic duty to share with you these crappy comics, point out the idiocy and have a good laugh at their expense. Well - honestly - we just though it would be fun. So, here, for your enjoyment, is the first installment of TRICK TRACT FRIDAY This evening will open with a charming little booklet entitled The Assignment. Hop on over and read it right now - then come back here for fresh Wicked & Funk Review.

spewed forth from Shanna Riley at 12:18 PM # | | F.U.